Today marks our 290th day together. Every day that passes is another day that I allow myself to love you just a little bit more. I have felt you grow, taking from me what you need but giving me everything I need and more.
I was meant to start writing to you 230 days ago. I set myself the challenge of writing something to you every day from then. But I couldn’t and it has frustrated me ever since that I can’t so much as muster a lift of a laptop screen. Until today. I’m not sure why today is different. Today you are 9 days late. I can feel you laughing it off inside me. I’ll come when I’m ready I feel you think. I laugh back, that’s ok my love, I’m ready when you are.
Your movements are different now, I can feel how strong you are. I almost feel that you are teaching me how to get through this next bit. That you are building up a bit of extra strength to share with me. Thank you, I feel I need it now. I’m feeling a bit scared, scared of the unknown, of the pain, that you won’t be ok. But as I write this I can feel you telling me it’s going to be ok. We will do this together. You smile and I feel it fill me. I know we are going to be just fine, me you and Daddy. He’s so excited to meet you. He’s desperate in fact, have you heard him calling you to come out? He’s been reading to you. He wants you to know his voice as soon as you enter the world. I tell him you won’t mistake it. I think you will enjoy his cuddles, he is full of love and knowledge. He’s got your back already, he’s ready to protect you but he’s also going to make sure you know damn well how to protect yourself. My fierce little warrior girl.
I do have a confession for you. I hope it’s ok to share. I’m worried that being your mum is all I have to offer. You see, I have this paralysing fear of being painfully average. And to make sure that doesn’t come true, well I do exactly nothing… Because how can you fail if you didn’t try? I’m worried that having you means I’ll never try again. Never try at anything other than being your mum. My gosh I am going to try so hard to be the best mum you could have ever had. But I already know that really to be the best version of me, for you, for me – I need more. I just have exactly no idea how to get there. Maybe you can help me? Maybe all this time I’ve been focused on giving you everything you need, but maybe you are everything I need too.
Maybe the reason why I haven’t written that book, crafted that anthology, got that qualification or become self-made entrepreneurial dynamite is because I was waiting for you. You to help guide me through a new perspective on life and love. A new way at looking at how time passes and why. My little inspiration, my strength and the key to the next part of life. A stick in the road, stop looking back now. Let’s look forward together. Maybe the best is yet to come.